Lyme-Induced "Dark Side" Days

Sometimes the darkness is all-consuming...I do not want to take my supplements (I dare not skip my medicine), I do not want to detox, and I do not want to do anything to take care of myself. There are certain days that are so bad that the "I do not want to" turns into I simply cannot. I cannot take care of myself properly, much less watch television (books at this point are out of the question) or find any other type of distraction. Time seems to hold still at times and then move rapidly at others. I just stare at the ceiling and my body instinctively goes semi-comatose so that I am not fully aware of what is going on--I am just floating, unattached from the world, waiting for the herx or flare up to loosen its grip around my neck. 

  This is a perfect example of how my body feels pretty much all the time, but the "dark side" days are when it intensifies. 

 This is another visual of what my head feels like on these days, and the clamp gets tighter and tighter throughout the day.

 A few times it has gotten so bad that my body has become paralyzed and I feel this extraordinary pull to let go. I fight to hang on to consciousness due to fear, but I wonder what would happen if I were to let go. The feeling pulling me is so warm and calming, as if I were floating on water and holding on to a boat with one hand, but with every fiber of my being begging me to release.

 Those really bad days, when a herx has completely taken over my body and I do not know when I will be released--hours, days, weeks--the only thing I have found to do when things are this dire is to escape within myself. I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but at that point I am forced to just listen to my body. I feel so incredibly fragile, so meek, that I physically and mentally escape within my self for protection and thus I become a temporary shell of my former self. During these times I do not want to talk to anyone or see anyone--I just need to be alone until it is safe to come out again. 

 The darkness far trumps any type of physical pain I have ever felt. For some reason it is a necessary Evil that comes with long-term treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease. 

 

All of this is hard for me to admit. I want to tell you that I am always strong; always optimistic. Continuously fighting and eternally positive in my outlook. But this disease attacks your brain and at times it feels like im drowning....

 

So to leave this on a positive note, I will reenforce Dory's theory on when Life gets you down....

 

 

Just keep swimming, eventually I (and you) will reach the surface!